There is No “I” in Empathy: How Subtle Changes in Your Wording Can Impact SEL And Teach Empathy in Children

The Role of Empathy in Building Social-Emotional Competence in Children

We know that children develop social-emotional skills and learn and behave well only when they feel safe and through relationships with emotionally skilled adults. When parents and teachers create a compassionate relationship, children feel calmer, build trust, and are more likely to build the social-emotional resilience they need. 

A cornerstone of a compassionate relationship is empathy. If you are a teacher or a parent, you often feel genuine compassion for a child struggling or distressed. And you want to express that empathy, which is extremely valuable (and necessary) for the relationship and the child. Empathy is incredibly powerful for a child to feel understood, connect, trust, and even lower stress. Naming their feelings and perspectives for them can even build their self-awareness. For example, if a child struggles to tie their shoe and just takes off the shoe and sighs, simply saying out loud, “That’s so frustrating,” a child feels understood and is building some self-awareness around this feeling. And this can be calming and help them get some help to try again. 

There are many definitions of empathy. Brene Brown describes it as “connecting with people so we know we're not alone when we're in struggle. Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing.”

Empathy, however, is a lot harder to practice, especially when a child is yelling at you and you’re feeling stressed. Yet, if you can feel empathy for a child, some simple changes in your wording can make a big difference. 

“I Understand”….Do You Really?

So often, parents and teachers begin communicating empathy with phrases like “I understand” or ”I know” -for example, “I understand that you’re feeling angry that you missed your turn” or “I know you’re upset that we can’t go outside.”  However, these small words prefacing your empathy can unintentionally get in the way of truly connecting. One reason is that when we’re upset and don't feel understood, hearing, “I understand,” it often triggers a feeling of, “No, you don’t.” And there is truth in that-. we can’t claim that we fully understand exactly how someone feels. Rather than saying you understand, simply show that you do. By skipping those two words and saying, “You’re angry that you missed your turn,” the child is more likely to feel understood or at least sense that you’re trying to understand. They usually respond by agreeing, adding details, or even correcting you. 

For example, saying, “You’re upset that we can’t go outside,” is more likely to invite the child to respond and feel understood than when you start with “I know.”Why does this matter? When you say, “I understand” or “I know,” the focus shifts subtly to you- what you know or perceive.   But true empathy isn't about you; it's about fully stepping into the child’s feelings or perspective. 

Effective words to help children feel understood

As a general rule, when you want to express empathy so a child feels understood, connected, and better able to manage their emotions, try starting with“you” or “it’s.” Here are some examples: “You really wanted to tell me your idea and felt frustrated.” “You wish he would have given you a turn.” “It doesn't feel fair that he goes first.” It’s embarrassing to be called out in front of everyone.” “It's frustrating when you keep trying, and it doesn’t look how you want it to.” 

Empathy is hard. Because we’re naturally wired to fix and move past painful moments, even when we know someone needs to feel your empathy. So, when you are able to offer empathy, it helps to ensure your words are effective. So, while you work on the hard stuff, here’s an easy tip: Take out the “I understand” and simply express their feelings as best you can. 

To learn more about the power of empathy and how communicating empathy to children is part of a more comprehensive method for building social-emotional learning, check out our courses at mariposaeducation.org.  

Authors:

Dr. Anne Townsend has been working with teachers and early childhood educators for over 20 years. She is the President and Chief Academic Officer of Mariposa Education and a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the lives of children. LinkedIN Profile.

Jenny Barrett has over 30 years of early childhood education experience as a special educator and an administrator. She is the Lead Instructor at Mariposa Education. LinkedIN Profile.
 

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