How to Talk About Hard Things: Talking to Children About Difficult Things
When Big Things Happen
On the morning after the election, half of our nation was deeply unhappy with the results. Some may be feeling particularly scared due to their identity and what this election outcome could mean for them. Others may be feeling mistrustful of the world around them, and others may be concerned about their job, health insurance, or even their personal safety. And this is an oversimplification of the many complex emotions people are processing after receiving this outcome.
According to The Hill, searches for terms like “Moving to Canada” and “immigrate to Canada” saw a staggering 5,000% spike in online searches after the election. While this may not lead to the exodus that it implies, it certainly speaks to how people are feeling. At Mariposa, while we don’t have the answers you might need for your worries, we are focused on how we can build social-emotional resilience for children, especially in the face of stress and trauma, whether in the world or within our homes.
Research and experience tell us that, even in the face of challenge and stress, children can still thrive if they have a quality relationship with an emotionally skilled adult. However, when those adults are stressed, it adds an extra layer of difficulty. So, what can we do to continue to support and care for our children during hard times when there are more concerns on our minds than our children can navigate? These are questions parents had asked during the pandemic, when family members in other countries were confronted with war, or in the wake of other events that stir deep fear and anxiety in parents.
What Do I Say to My Child?
How to Talk About Hard Things with Your Child
So, the morning after the election, a parent expressed feeling very upset and unsure how to manage those emotions with her 3-year-old child. On one hand, many of you might be thinking, “She is 3, so she’s too young to hold the weight of this in her mind.” And there’s truth to that. On the other hand, 3-year-olds can sense when something is upsetting. When the adult pretends everything is fine, it can feel disconnecting and unsettling. And this can undermine the very relationship this child needs to feel safe and secure. Here are some guidelines to help you continue providing the restorative and protective relationship your child needs, even while managing very hard things.
Share authentically how you feel, but adjust the level of detail, depending on their age. For example, with a young child, you might share that you feel really disappointed that the person you wanted to be our president didn’t win. You’re upset because you don’t think the person who won deserved to win.
Otherwise, the child simply picks up on your sadness, fear, or anxiety but may not be able to put their finger on it. They could end up feeling like they are somehow annoying you or that you're mad at them. It’s important to refrain from sharing details about the possible repercussions or deeper fears you have right now. That could likely be too much for them to bear. Instead, offer any honest reassurance that you can give. For example, you might say, “But I will be okay”,“ I do feel good about some people who won,” or “ I know it's not forever. There will be another chance”. Whatever you can say honestly that can allay any big fears and let them know that you are still ok to take care of them.
As children get older, you may find ways to share some of your reasons for your concern that they can handle as a way to share your values without creating fear. For example, you might say, “It’s important to me that women and people of color have a chance to be president.” There may be other values you want to instill. And think through those statements, as you are simply ensuring that your child can walk through the world knowing their value and what you believe, without instilling fear or creating stress over things they are powerless to change and maybe not able to fully understand.
Can My Child See Me Crying?
How to Handle Emotional Conversations with Your Child
I learned from a renowned and experienced therapist that when hard things happen, it's okay for children to see that you are upset, maybe even witness some tears or an expression of sadness or anger. However, they need to feel safe and secure knowing you can still care for them. So if your emotional expression becomes uncontrollable- such as sobbing, screaming or emotional expressions that signal you’re not in control-it can make them feel unsafe and unsure if you can care for them.
So, when really big feelings come up for you, try to find another adult who can hold space for those feelings or take a break to process them. And if, because you are human, your child witnesses your sadness, anger, or frustration in a way that feels overwhelming or out of control, be sure to return to it and offer some reassurance. They need to know you’re okay enough to take care of them, no matter what their age.
On that note, it's important to take care of yourself. Take the time for that walk, that conversation, or whatever you need to be able to show up for your child. There’s an old analogy about airplane safety: in case of emergency, the parent must put on their oxygen mask first before helping their child. Because without oxygen, you can't take care of anyone else. It's also true for our emotions. It's difficult, if not impossible, to be empathetic and patient with our children or even set clear expectations when we don’t feel okay ourselves. And be patient with yourself first. If today, you were not feeling like a good parent, you have many days to get it right.
How Can I Equip My Child for A Scary World?
Helping Your Child Navigate Hard Conversations
And as you certainly hope your children trust their own emotions and values, it truly begins with you and with the small stuff. When you validate your child’s feelings and worries with acceptance, you are actually helping them when you are not with them to manage stress and even navigate hurtful actions. When an emotionally skilled adult responds to a child with empathy, that child not only feels more connected to you but also has a decrease in stress hormones, and they learn that their feelings are valid. As such, they are more likely to manage the stressful world we live in.
And it doesn’t have to just be about big stuff. It starts with accepting their feelings when they say they have too much homework, are tired after school, and just want to rest”. It includes small moments, too, such as “You don’t like what we are having for dinner.” These moments let them know you are a safe space, especially when they come home with the story about their friend who said something hurtful and against your values. Because they know that you won’t simply start with a lecture or a lesson; you will step in with understanding: That’s hard. On one hand, you like this person, but that really hurts your feelings.” This allows your child the opportunity to build their emotional armor and make the decisions they need to make.
And What Can We Do?
Further, just like in any hard time, stressful family event, or nationwide shift, remember to do what makes you and your child feel happy, safe, and competent. For your family, that might mean a hike, a race, doing some art, or cooking together. You might find that making extra for a neighbor or signing up to volunteer to plant trees is what your family needs to do, and that will hopefully build the strength you and your child need. Because along with a quality relationship with an adult, children need to feel competent. And through activities that build your competence and make small changes, you can help them do hard things, even in the face of challenges.
Do you struggle with how to talk about hard things with your child? Explore our resources on social-emotional learning and start building stronger connections today.
Authors:
Dr. Anne Townsend has been working with teachers and early childhood educators for over 20 years. She is the President and Chief Academic Officer of Mariposa Education and a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the lives of children. LinkedIN Profile.
Jenny Barrett has over 30 years of early childhood education experience as a special educator and an administrator. She is the Lead Instructor at Mariposa Education. LinkedIN Profile.
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