Actually, Kids Are Not Mean
The old phrase, "kids are mean"…has been around forever. And it’s been how parents may explain to a crying child why someone did not invite them to a party or why they called them a name. The “Mean Girls” movie is popular, and for a good reason…many people can identify with some of the things they portray.
In other words, there is a reason people say this…we see children leave each other out, call names, and worse. If you are a teacher, childcare provider, or parent, you have been there to witness all of this and do your best to help a child who is hurt and/or help a child be nicer or kinder. And it doesn’t always work. Because here’s the thing….kids are NOT mean…they are unskilled and stressed. And so if we focus on helping to build skills and lower stress, we are going to be more successful. Don’t buy it? Let’s dive deeper.
Childhood Teasing: Why kids act ‘mean’
Children Don’t Have the Social-Emotional Skills They Need
When we ask a child to be nice or say, “That’s not nice,” we might feel we are teaching them how to be nice, but in fact, we are only telling them they are not nice/mean. When a child leaves someone out, calls a name, teases, or hits…this is the result of not having the social-emotional skills they need. Skills like expressing concerns, joining a group, or even knowing what you’re feeling and why. For example, three children are friends. One child is feeling a bit insecure about their place in the friend group. They do not have the self-awareness to identify that, and they certainly do not have the skills to express that or solve it. So, they often do or say things that make someone else feel left out. Consider the child who has finally figured out how to get along with one friend and is comfortable. When another child tries to join, they may not know how to play with two children and collaborate, so they say something like, “You can’t play.” Without the skills they need to talk about this or ask for what they need, they simply ignore one of the children or only invite one friend that they want to be with into their social interaction.
And similarly, name-calling or teasing. They may have some unidentified need or feeling around connection or agency that they have no skills to meet. And it comes out this way. Imagine three kids are playing and one child’s ideas are not heard, they may become frustrated and simply call names or insult the other’s ideas. In other words, without knowing what TO DO at that moment, they do something that is not effective and often can hurt others. And even before they can figure out what to do, they need to understand how they are feeling and what they need.
Do they need others to hear their ideas so they feel heard? Do they need to know that they are wanted in the social circle? Do they need reassurance that they don’t need to change to fit in?
Childhood stress effects can impact how kids interact
And stress gets in the way
But what if I have told them what TO DO? So often, adults will give children guidelines in conflict…such as, “Wait for your turn,” “Come get help,” or “Tell them you want to play”… maybe you even have seen the child do these things in the past… which many adults mistakenly assume that they DO have the skills they need. That they are choosing to do these things…see, they are mean! But this leaves out the role of stress on the brain. When children (and adults) feel stressed, cortisol is released in the brain. And when cortisol is released, all listening, learning, problem-solving, and creative thinking come to a stop. This stress can be caused by a real or perceived threat…like feeling left out, being disapproved of, or even not feeling sure about what is going to happen. This is also often referred to as fight, flight, or freeze. As an adult, maybe on a first day of work, or walking into an environment that was not welcoming, or worse, being insulted by someone, you may have felt this. In these moments, even if we are normally able to respond verbally or ask for help…we might not be able to do it if stress is high. Kids are the same way. Stress is high, and they cannot think of these solutions so they may go into fight, flight, or freeze. The fight response might be arguing, insulting, hitting, or any form of aggression.
Why does it matter?
So, why does it matter if you think a child is mean/manipulative vs. unskilled and stressed?
Because it impacts YOUR response. If you truly believe a child is mean, planning to hurt, manipulative, your response will show that. You might lean on ignoring them, telling them they are not being nice, and more. And those responses will likely only increase the stress response and make them feel like they are not nice…which is only likely to lead to more challenging behaviors that hurt others and make it difficult for them to connect.
Whereas if you believe that this child does not have the social-emotional skills to connect with others, manage conflict, and express their feelings…and that their aggressive or hurtful behaviors are manifestations of stress….then you are more likely to work to build skills and lower stress….and, chances are, you won’t be as annoyed…
It is remarkably more stressful to teach or care for children when we believe they are mean or want to hurt and manipulate them. This stress impacts your effectiveness, too. A child needs you to understand their needs, help them build the skills they need, and lower their stress through your relationship.
How DO you help?
And how do you do that? Check out our new course on the Why of Challenging Behaviors to dive deeply into the science of social-emotional learning and what you can do to help children develop the skills they need to “be nice”. Because it turns out that there are specific adult behaviors that lead to the development of social emotional skills in children that also reduce the stress for the child and the adult.
Authors:
Dr. Anne Townsend has been working with teachers and early childhood educators for over 20 years. She is the President and Chief Academic Officer of Mariposa Education and a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the lives of children. LinkedIN Profile.
Jenny Barrett has over 30 years of early childhood education experience as a special educator and an administrator. She is the Lead Instructor at Mariposa Education. LinkedIN Profile.
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