No Thank You! Why this phrase is being misused to improve children's classroom behavior and what to say instead.
Using “No Thank You” To Redirect Child Behavior
In our work at Mariposa we often go into schools and childcare centers to teach and coach. And we have noticed teachers and staff members saying to children, “No thank you” frequently. And yet, the child did not seem to be offering anything to them.
For example, in one instance, a 3-year-old was at the top of the slide. She held a foam block, and was heading to the slide on her stomach to slide down. A staff member looked over at her and said, “No Thank you”. She froze. But she looked confused. In my role as a coach, I would have liked to go over and help her. But I wasn’t sure what the staff member was saying. Was she asking for the child to leave the block aside while she was sliding? Or was she asking her to slide down feet first? Or perhaps both? In this case, the child did not have a clear instruction. She froze for a few minutes. When the staff member moved on, she slid down with the block. This phrase, “No thank you,” is often used by staff members in schools and child care centers to show non-acceptance of a behavior.
Effective Language For Early Educators Improves Child Behavior In The Classroom Over Being "Polite".
In a class with early educators, on an evening teaching the skill of strategic discipline, we were offering the steps and language needed when you want to change behavior. So, I asked if these teachers relied on the phrase, “No Thank you.” Many nodded yes. I asked why and was told that this felt like a polite way to tell a child no. Others said that it was a replacement for the old phrase, “Excuse me?!” paired with a look of disapproval that teachers and parents often give. And the explanation as to why teachers felt this may work is that they feel the child already knows the rules, and the teacher's short phrase is enough to stop the behavior. And yet, as evidenced by the amount of challenging behavior we see and how often teachers struggle to change the behavior, it's not enough. And, in fact, it's confusing.
When a child is demonstrating challenging behaviors, it is critical that the adult is able to describe neutrally what they are doing. “You are running in the hall,” and then given a very specific, concrete direction about what you want them to do, “Please walk until you get to the playground door.” Because when a child is running, they are possibly stressed or responding to an impulse and not likely thinking through this action. So, when we very clearly tell them what TO DO, they are more likely to do it. And vague phrases like “Be safe” or “You are not following the rules.” Or “No thank you,” are not as likely to result in a change of behavior right away. Because even if the child does know why you are saying, “No thank you,” they now need to flip it to what TO DO and then do it. This takes a minute and is hard to do when you are keyed up, running, worried about being late or trying to get to the bathroom.
Vague Directions Don't Improve Child Behavior Or Create Equity
Furthermore, let's not forget that not everybody does know what you mean. Every school and classroom and home has a culture with varying rules and expectations. And children can learn to cope and meet these in different environments. But not everyone is interpreting things in the same way. For example, “Be respectful”, means something different in every setting. Instead, simply say what you want the child to do in the moment, “Please wait till I am finished to talk.” And while one child knows what you mean when you look at a noisy group and say, “We are in the library,” another child does not. Create an equal playing field and just tell everyone what you are asking them to do. “While we walk through the library, please walk and talk in a low voice like this.”
As an adult, you may have been in a new environment via work or social events and do not know the rules. You would be more likely to follow them and less anxious if someone explained to you how to get vacation time, when to come to meetings, and how to get something on the agenda. Imagine you did something wrong and were simply told, “No thank you”. Not only would you be confused, you would likely feel a bit stung. It's not actually polite when used that way.
No Thank You to No Thank You!
What if we let “No thank you” go back to politely declining an offer. So if a student hands you a piece of trash you don’t want, you might say, “No, thank you.” but if they are calling someone a name, tell them to “Call classmates by their own names.” or they are poking their neighbor during math, tell them to keep their hands and pencils on their own desks and work. Because clarity is actually very kind, and clear directions make it more likely for children (and adults) to do what you want them to do. This is a little harder than it sounds. When children are pushing and yelling, it's often hard to think of what to say. In our Mariposa courses, we teach specific skills to change behaviors in the moment and gain control in such a way as to build self-control.
Authors:
Dr. Anne Townsend has been working with teachers and early childhood educators for over 20 years. She is the President and Chief Academic Officer of Mariposa Education and a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the lives of children. LinkedIN Profile.
Jenny Barrett has over 30 years of early childhood education experience as a special educator and an administrator. She is the Lead Instructor at Mariposa Education. LinkedIN Profile.
