Should Adults Share Authentic Emotions With Children?
In working with parents and teachers, I find that many adults feel that they should not share their feelings with children. That this is a burden to a child. And in lieu of sharing how they feel, those adults will lean more heavily on lessons or rules to guide children and teach them social emotional skills. And then, they miss out on a really critical aspect of the type of adult-child relationship most associated with strong social emotional resilience.
Sharing Authentically To Increase Social Awareness
For example, imagine that a child is complaining during a meal about the food, and does not say anything like “thank you”. If you are the cook or provider of that meal, that is likely to make you feel a bit unappreciated. Rather than share that, parents will often point out that this is not polite or explain that it would be more polite to simply not eat that part and say what they like, or they may work to inspire some gratitude or perspective by pointing out how fortunate they are to have food cooked for them, or how hard you worked on this meal meant to nourish them. And inadvertently, these messages send a message that your child is not polite or not grateful. Consider if the parent expressed that while they hoped he would like it and are disappointed that he didn’t, you feel a bit unappreciated that he didn’t stop to say thank you for the effort or point out anything he did like. Some people hear that and think…”Oh what a guilt trip. I cannot make it about me.” And yet, in this scenario, you are saying directly how it made you feel that the child did not say thank you. You are not using any labels or judgment here as to why. Chances are, you likely empathize with being hungry and not liking the meal. By being super clear on your feelings and the why, without judgment you are building their social awareness, more than any lessons on being polite or grateful.
How Children Learn Social Awareness
Because it turns out that children learn social emotional skills in relationships with emotionally skilled adults. When you share how you feel authentically without judgment or blame, you are providing the feedback a child needs around how their actions impact you and they will transfer this to other relationships. They also are hearing a model of how they might express themselves when feeling unappreciated or something else. And when we don’t express how we feel, children are left guessing. This can create anxiety and even lead to assumptions that are false or damaging. If your face looks upset, they may assume you're mad that they don’t like the food. Or worse.
Furthermore, when we as adults hold all of our feelings in, we tend to increase our stress and limit our ability to be compassionate and understanding.
Sharing Emotions, Does It Overburden Our Children?
Yet, cultural messages about sharing negative emotions, fear of overburdening a child, and even worry that we will somehow undermine our authority as a parent or teacher can limit our ability to share feelings authentically.
And, during Mariposa courses, we share some of the impacts of an adult who shares authentically, parents and teachers alike worry about the guilt trip or overburdening that can be a problem. Maybe because so many adults faced this as a child. And yes, there are guidelines to help you ensure that when you share authentic feelings you are building connection and emotional resilience, not disconnection and shame.
Guidelines to Sharing Emotions with Children
First, keep it focused and small. Rather than expressing that you worry your child is becoming a quitter when they don’t want to stay on the soccer team, focus on one event.. You might express you are worried that if they do not go to a few more practices, they may miss out on the feeling of doing something hard and getting to a place where it's more fun.
When our kids struggle, we always have a “bigger worry story”. That they won’t have friends, that they won’t learn to stand up for themselves. (By the way, these worries are not helpful for you either.) But as you work to manage your “bigger worry story”,, certainly don’t bring that to your child. Focus on one small event at a time and as your child works on that issue with you, they will build more skills. And let’s be honest, if you are giving your child a lecture on the perils of quitting, the subtext is that you are worried they are a quitter. Focus small and how you feel about this event.
When you express how you feel, words matter. There is a big difference between, “When you don’t answer me when I ask about your day, I feel ignored and confused”. And “You make me sad when you don’t answer me”. The child doesn’t make you feel anything. But certain events may lead to you feeling a certain way. Get specific and say why. “I’m so sad about this”, or “I am very disappointed” don’t really give the child any specific feedback or anything to repair or learn from. They only leave the child feeling badly. However, “I am disappointed that we didn’t make it to the park today, when we weren’t ready to go.”
Express positive feelings too. “When you called to tell me you would be late, I felt relieved and no longer worried.” We all need feedback from those in relationships with us, and we need lots of positive feedback as well.
And finally, balance this with room for their feelings too. We all are most likely to be open to and hear others feelings when we feel heard too. So empathize out loud for how your child might be feeling too. “It's hard when you are hungry and then you don’t like what we are having.” or “You don’t want to go to soccer. It's a lot harder and less fun than you had hoped.”, or “Sometimes, at the end of the day, you just don’t feel ready to talk.”
To learn more about how to build social emotional resilience in your child AND a stronger, happier relationship, go to mariposaeducation.org for more courses and resources.
Authors:
Dr. Anne Townsend has been working with teachers and early childhood educators for over 20 years. She is the President and Chief Academic Officer of Mariposa Education and a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the lives of children. LinkedIN Profile.
Jenny Barrett has over 30 years of early childhood education experience as a special educator and an administrator. She is the Lead Instructor at Mariposa Education. LinkedIN Profile.
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