The Most Common Mistakes Parents and Teachers Make When Responding to a Child Who is Upset
If you are a parent, teacher, or caregiver, there is nothing more heart-wrenching than the sight and sound of a child in distress, crying so hard you can barely hear what they are saying, or simply looking sad and not talking, tantrums, screaming in anger and despair, or simply telling us how sad they feel. It’s the worst. And every part of us just wants to make those painful feelings disappear for them, and let’s face it, for us, too. It’s human nature to want to run from pain. And as adults, we feel our role is to fix things. And sometimes we can. We can put a bandaid on the cut, feed a hungry child, get them a coat when cold, and reassure them that there is no monster in the closet. But when a child is frustrated that they cannot do something themselves, feels hurt by someone (even you), or does not feel heard and understood, many of our attempts to fix it simply make it worse.
When a Child is Upset, Refrain from Explaining
Imagine the child who has been trying for a bit to finish their story or joke and is interrupted multiple times by other children and adults. And finally, they look teary-eyed and slump down OR yell in frustration. Without overthinking, what is your typical response? Maybe you might explain it, “It’s just that everyone had something to share.” Why do we do this? We think that if they just understood the intent of others, they would not be so hurt. But in fact, this can often have the opposite effect. They may assume that their thoughts are not important. And, chances are this explanation might even be clear to them. And if it’s not, they are likely to not take it in. What we are missing is the feelings. The feelings come first. Neurologists explain that first, we feel and then we think. So, by moving past how this child feels and asking them to think more logically, then we dismiss them further.
Additional Tips for Upset Kids
Take a beat before you teach
Or if you feel this child might need to build their awareness of others, you might offer to teach them, “You have to give others a chance to speak too.” And while sure, this is true. When a child is upset, they are not ready to learn a lesson. The part of the brain that is activated when upset is clouding the thinking part of the brain. We need to start with the feelings, not the facts. If we task the thinking part of the brain and ignore the feelings, it can further upset and stress the child. And also, let’s face it, it is implying that they don’t give others a chance to speak. They may know this and yet, at this moment, feel frustrated and unheard.
Fight the urge to Fix it
Or maybe you feel bad for them and want to fix it quickly, “I am so sorry. Everyone, stop talking. Ryan has something to say”. I know you’re cringing, but we all do this. It’s a quick fix, ignoring the feelings of not just Ryan but everyone else. This is normal. We want to help this child feel better fast. And chances are our stress is rising. We worry that Ryan is going to fall apart entirely. And maybe somebody unfairly ignored them. Slow yourself down. Also, consider that sometimes, when we try to fix things, we further disempower the child and might fix it incorrectly.
And you may find that this child now becomes even more upset. Because, when a child is very upset, there is a release of cortisol in the body, inhibiting the child’s ability to think, take advice, or manage the moment to finish the story. First, the child needs help to lower that stress response.
Feeling understood lowers the child’s stress response
Often, the first thing Ryan needs is to feel understood and to have his feelings validated. “That must have been so frustrating. You have been trying to finish that and keep getting interrupted”. This is empathy. And when a child or adult feels understood through effective empathy, this can lower the stress response. From there, they may ask for what they need or be part of a conversation to solve the current conflict. Maybe it is fair to ask others to let him finish. Or perhaps he needs to notice what others are trying to say. But in either case, it’s genuinely frustrating when others are talking, and you cannot finish a thought. Acknowledging and accepting this feeling out loud with no other agenda has a calming effect. This is hard to do. And even as we empathize with children, we rarely say it out loud. When we see a child sad that they have to separate from a parent, we might want to distract them quickly. Yet, the child will only truly build their skills to manage their feelings if those feelings are accepted. It might be as simple as, “It’s really hard to say goodbye.” If a child is frustrated that they cannot do the monkey bars like their friend, we might want to explain that everyone learns things at different rates…and miss the chance to help that child feel understood.“You wish you could do them and it's hard to see Anne go across when you’re still learning.”
It doesn’t mean you can never teach or explain, but when you stop, accept, and validate a feeling, you help a child feel understood. Feeling understood is a core human need…and necessary to feeling connected and calm again. Next time you see a child upset, slow down, listen with your heart to how they might be feeling, and empathize with that feeling with acceptance. You might be surprised.
Authors:
Dr. Anne Townsend has been working with teachers and early childhood educators for over 20 years. She is the President and Chief Academic Officer of Mariposa Education and a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the lives of children. LinkedIN Profile.
Jenny Barrett has over 30 years of early childhood education experience as a special educator and an administrator. She is the Lead Instructor at Mariposa Education. LinkedIN Profile.
